That's not your kid. The jig is up.
OK. Before you Taylor Lovers (Swiffers? Tay-zers? I’m spitballin’ here) light your torches, let me start by saying that I like Taylor Swift. I think she’s adorable, and I want one of her bedazzled guitars for my own.
I also, like everyone else in America, felt really bad for her last year after Kanye went all vigilante on her VMA win. While I really could have given two craps about her music, I suddenly became hyper-aware of her, and bobbed my head when her songs came on the radio.
But while I was bobbing, something just wasn’t . . . right. Her songs made me feel kinda funny, and I couldn’t figure out why. Then, I was watching “The Sing Off” last year and I saw this video:
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That’s “Maxx Factor,” a barbershop quartet of soccer moms or something. It’s not the best thing I’ve ever heard, but it is really sweet. And it makes sense, because the song sounds like it’s something they could have actually lived. Admit it, the line, “We were both young when I first saw you/ I close my eyes and the flashback starts” sounds a lot truer coming from a couple middle-aged broads than a 19-year old waif.
I love that Swift writes her own hits. I love that she tells big stories in a 4-minute song. I just don’t love it when she puts out a single that is too big for its britches (I’m bringing that phrase back, y’all. My granny would be proud). Part of enjoying an artist’s music is that you feel like you get a peek into his or her story. In the case of “Love Story,” I just feel like she wanted to sing about “Romeo and Juliet” but her manager was like, “Girl, that’s mad depressing. Change the ending and throw in some stuff about flashbacks. Do you have a banjo? Throw that up in there, too!” (I don’t know why her manager talks like Diddy. . . just go with it)
She’s only 20. Why does she have to be in such a rush to sing about stuff she couldn’t possibly have lived yet? Like the video for “Mine.” She’s got kids and shiz. I’m sure her dad was like, “WTF, Tay? Kids? You trying to give he a heart attack?!”
Can’t you just picture this video starring Martina McBride or somebody? I dunno. Who’s hot in Country these days that’s not still a fetus? Maybe I’m over thinking it. I get that she wants to tell romantic love stories, I just like her better when she’s singing about short shorts and sneakers, or whatever.
So am I crazy? Is Taylor a little girl playing lyrical Dress Up? Or are these the best songs of all time? ALL TIME! (See what I did there?!)